Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
