So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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