yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
