people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
