I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
