Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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