Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
