6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
