I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Actions speak louder than pants.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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