Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
