Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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