Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
