I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
did i just pee glitter
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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