the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
