There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
