i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
