I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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