the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
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