Whatcha textin bout Willis?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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