you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
