I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
