I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
