Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
