But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
