god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
