New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
