i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
