If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
