Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
