I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
