you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
