If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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