I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
