All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
