Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
