I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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