it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
