Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
