just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
