ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
