I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
