my mouth tastes like poor choices
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
