Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
