a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
