filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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