I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
