i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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