Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
