Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
