When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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