Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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