What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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