If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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