Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
