News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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