Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
