i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize