that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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