best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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