im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
